7 Signs You’ve Stopped Pursuing Your Spouse
By Randy and Debbie Stroman
How to Recognize the Drift and Reignite the Spark
When we first fall in love, pursuit comes naturally. We plan special dates, give thoughtful compliments, and go out of our way to make the other person feel cherished. But over time, life happens—kids, careers, responsibilities—and without realizing it, the effort slows down.
The Law of Pursuit teaches us that healthy marriages thrive when both spouses continually choose to invest in each other. But if we’re not careful, we drift into autopilot, and our spouse begins to feel more like a roommate than a partner.
Here are seven warning signs you may have stopped pursuing your spouse—and how to get back on track.
- Conversations Have Become Transactional
If most of your talks revolve around schedules, bills, kids, and responsibilities, you may have slipped into “business partner mode.”
Fix it:
- Ask open-ended questions like, “What’s been on your heart lately?”
- Set aside even 10 minutes a day for deeper, distraction-free conversations.
- Date Nights Have Disappeared
Remember when you used to plan ways to spend time together? If your last intentional date feels like ancient history, that’s a red flag.
Fix it:
- Schedule regular date nights, even simple ones like walking in the park or grabbing coffee. Dates do not have to be expensive, or cost anything at all. Be creative.
- Alternate who plans the date to keep it fun and fresh.
- Compliments Have Faded
In the early days, we’re generous with praise: “You look amazing!” “I’m proud of you!” Over time, those words often fade, leaving a spouse feeling unseen.
Fix it:
- Be intentional with affirmations—both private and public.
- Use your words to remind your spouse how much you value and desire them.
- Physical Affection Is Minimal
Physical pursuit isn’t just about intimacy—it’s about connection. If hugs, kisses, and holding hands have dwindled, it can create emotional distance.
Fix it:
- Make small, consistent gestures: a hand squeeze, an arm around the shoulder, or a kiss goodbye.
- Physical closeness reinforces emotional closeness.
- You’ve Stopped Surprising Each Other
Pursuit thrives on intentional thoughtfulness. If you can’t remember the last time you did something “just because,” it’s time to refocus.
Fix it:
- Leave a note in their car, bring home their favorite snack, or plan a small surprise.
- It’s not about big gestures—it’s about showing, “I thought of you today.”
- You Prioritize Everything Else First
Careers, kids, hobbies, and even ministry can unintentionally take priority over your marriage. But your spouse needs to know they come first—after God.
Fix it:
- Reevaluate your schedule and commitments together.
- Establish boundaries to protect your time as a couple.
- Prayer and Spiritual Connection Have Slipped
When spiritual pursuit fades, so does intimacy at the deepest level. If praying together or talking about faith has become rare, your marriage can start feeling disconnected.
Fix it:
- Pray together daily, even if it’s brief.
- Read Scripture as a couple and invite God into your relationship.
How to Reignite Pursuit
If you find that you have slowed, or even lost pursuit, there is good news. Pursuit can be reignited at any time. Here’s a simple roadmap:
- Start Small: Tiny, consistent actions create lasting change.
- Be Intentional: Don’t wait for feelings—let actions lead your heart.
- Work as a Team: Pursuit isn’t one-sided; it’s a lifestyle you both build together.
Remember, a thriving marriage doesn’t happen by accident, it happens on purpose.
“Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” — Matthew 6:21
When you invest time, attention, and energy into your spouse, your love naturally deepens, and your connection grows stronger.
Want to learn more about how to re-prioritize your marriage to align with the Law of Pursuit?
Our private Two-Day Marriage Intensive equips couples to communicate more freely; while solving the big challenges we all face in marriage. Reach out today to inquire about scheduling a Marriage Intensive for your relationship. It will change the way you do marriage.