By Randy and Debbie Stroman
We recently moved. And if you’ve ever moved, you know exactly what comes with it—boxes everywhere, tough decisions, and a surprising amount of letting go.
As we packed, we got rid of so much. We sold a few things. Most things we donated—clothes, furniture, shoes, and office equipment. Box after box went to charity. And even after all of that, we still threw away several more boxes of items.
As I was leaving the trash bin for the last time a sobering realization hit me. Every one of those things we had discarded once had value to us. At some point, they were important enough to spend money on…important enough to store…important enough to use and protect. But now, because of a change in our season of life, they had no value to us at all. They were simply discarded.
And that’s when it became clear: Value is an attitude. What we value is shaped by our beliefs and our attitude toward the thing we are keeping—or letting go.
A Gift That Never Lost Its Value
Among the few items I intentionally kept were two small ceramic loons. Although loons are the State Bird of Minnesota where I grew up, they don’t hold any emotional value for that reason. But these ceramic loons are different. They don’t look particularly valuable. They wouldn’t fetch much at an estate sale. But they are among the most treasured items in my office. They were a gift from a former employee named Tom.
Tom was the janitor at one of the many restaurants I oversaw years ago. Many people saw Tom as an elderly man who was simply “too old to do anything else” but clean. But I saw him differently. To me, Tom was a wise man with a lifetime of experience. He had incredible stories. As a young leader, I learned from both his past mistakes and his victories. I went out of my way to treat him with dignity, respect, and genuine interest—because that’s who he really was.
One day, Tom walked into work while I happened to be there. He approached me holding a small box and said, “Now be careful with this—it’s breakable.”
I didn’t wait. I opened it immediately. Inside were two beautifully hand-painted ceramic loons.
I asked, “Tom, what is this?” He smiled and said, “It’s my hobby. I make these and paint them by hand.”
Touched by his generosity, I thanked him, but he stopped me mid-sentence and said something I will never forget. He said, “This is my simple way of saying thank you—for recognizing who I really am.”
I took the loons home and placed them in my home office
Three weeks later, I returned to that restaurant with a thank-you card I had purchased just for Tom. But when I walked in, he wasn’t there. I asked the manager where he was, and they quietly told me that Tom had passed away from a heart attack—just two days after my last visit.
Those loons have very little financial value. But their meaning is priceless. Their value comes entirely from my attitude and belief about what they represent.
What This Has to Do with Your Marriage
If your marriage feels hard right now, this is an important question to ask: What’s my attitude? How has my thinking changed over time?
At one point, you valued your spouse so highly that you reordered your life around them. You invested time, emotion, energy, and likely thousands of dollars to marry them. You pursued them. You protected the relationship. You believed it was worth fighting for. But now, because your attitude has shifted, you may feel ready to throw the relationship away.
Here’s the truth that is often painful—but freeing to face: Your spouse is not less valuable than they were years ago. Your attitude toward them is what changed. I am not saying there are not things that your spouse needs to change. I am not saying they haven’t disappointed or hurt you. No matter what is going on, the most important thing that changed is your attitude.
Scripture reminds us of this principle time and again. Value follows your attitude and your attitude is influenced by your focus. Your heart determines what you protect or what you discard. Honor is a choice. Devotion is a choice. Both are based on what you choose to focus on. When you only see hurt or disappointment, and miss all of the other things your spouse does well, how you value your spouse drops because of what you focus on.
Restoring Value Starts with You
Before asking, “Why doesn’t my spouse value me?” Ask this instead: “What can I do right now to become more valuable to them?” Not in worth—your worth is God-given and unchanging—but in how you show up, love, listen, and serve. When you change your focus from what your spouse is not doing, to what you can do to help them, your change in focus will immediately increase the value you see in them. That doesn’t mean they don’t need to change. It simply means you will create a better environment for them to pursue the change you need them to make.
Here are a few simple steps to begin adjusting your attitude and restoring value in your marriage:
- Choose to see again. Ask God to help you see your spouse not through frustration, but through truth. actions and in truth.” (1 John 3:18)
- Re-invest intentionally. Value grows where time and attention are placed. Small, consistent acts matter.
- Honor before feelings return. Honor is not the reward of good behavior—it’s the seed that produces change.
- Refuse to treat your marriage as disposable. What God joins together was never meant to be tossed aside when seasons change.:9)
Don’t Throw Away What Still Has Meaning
Those ceramic loons sit in my office as a daily reminder: value isn’t about price, it’s about perspective. Your marriage still has meaning. Your spouse still has value. And with a change in attitude, what feels ready for the trash can be restored to a place of honor once again.
A Refreshing Change
If you and your spouse are struggling to rediscover value, restore connection, or shift unhealthy patterns, you don’t have to walk this road alone. Sometimes the most powerful step forward is simply reaching out for wise, caring guidance. We would be honored to walk alongside you.
You can learn more about our marriage coaching, resources, and support at: https://yourgreatmarriage.help , or email us directly at: help@yourgreatmarriage.help.
No matter where your marriage is today, hope is still available—and restoration is always possible.