Recently, I spoke with the son of a couple going through a divorce. He was heartbroken—not only because of what was happening to his family, but because he was struggling with how to respond to his father. His father was making choices that did not honor his marriage covenant, and the son felt torn between two responsibilities: honoring his father and obeying a man living in sin.
What do you do when those two seem to conflict?
I told him something very important:
Honor and obedience are not the same thing.
The Bible tells us to honor our father and mother, but it does not tell us to obey someone when they are asking us to do something contrary to the Word of God. In those moments, Scripture is clear—we obey God first.
It is true that Exodus 20:12 and Ephesians 6:1 make is clear that we are to “Honor your father and your mother.” But Acts 5:29 is clear that, “We must obey God rather than men.” The Bible never contradicts itself. When we understand the difference between honor and obedience, the confusion begins to clear.
What Does It Mean to Honor?
In the Old Testament, the Hebrew word for honor is kābad, which means to give weight to, to value, to esteem, to treat as significant. In the New Testament, the Greek word for honor is timáō, which means to value, to respect, to revere, to show esteem.
Notice something important: Honor is about how you treat a person, not whether you agree with their decisions. Honor is an attitude of the heart that shows up in respectful words, respectful tone, and respectful behavior.
You can honor someone without approving of their behavior. You can honor someone without following their bad advice. You can honor someone without participating in their sin.
Honor says:
- I will speak respectfully.
- I will not shame you.
- I will not dishonor your name.
- I will treat you with dignity.
- I will pray for you.
- I will keep my heart free from bitterness.
Honor is an attitude.
What Is Obedience?
The Greek word for obey in Ephesians 6:1 is hupakouō, which means to listen under, to follow instructions, to comply with a command. Obedience is different from honor because obedience is an action. Obedience means you are doing what someone tells you to do.
The Bible tells children to obey their parents “in the Lord.” That phrase matters. It means obedience is connected to God’s authority, not just parental authority. If a parent asks a child—or even an adult son or daughter—to do something that violates God’s Word, the chain of authority is broken, and God’s authority comes first.
This is why Acts 5:29 says: “We must obey God rather than men.”
While we are always commanded to honor, we are not always commanded to obey—especially when obedience would lead us into sin or into agreement with something God says is wrong.
Honor is an attitude.
Obedience is an action.
They are not the same thing.
Simple Examples of Honor vs. Obedience
Here are some practical ways this plays out in real life:
Example 1:
A father is having an affair and tells his son, “Don’t tell your mother.”
- Honor: The son speaks respectfully and does not attack his father’s character.
- Obedience: The son does not participate in deception because lying and covering sin are contrary to Scripture.
Example 2:
A parent pressures an adult child to treat their spouse poorly or to leave their marriage.
- Honor: The child listens respectfully and responds calmly.
- Obedience: The child does not follow that advice because God says the marriage covenant comes first (Genesis 2:24).
Example 3:
A parent asks a child to do something unethical in a family business.
- Honor: The child speaks with gratitude and respect.
- Obedience: The child refuses to participate in wrongdoing.
Example 4:
A father is making destructive life decisions.
- Honor: Continue to love him, speak kindly, and pray for him.
- Obedience: Do not follow him into destructive behavior.
You can say something like this:
“Dad, I love you. I honor you, and I will always be your son. But I cannot agree with this, and I cannot participate in this, because I have to obey God first. But I will always love and respect you.”
That is what honor without sinful obedience looks like.
The Bible Is Our Guide
When emotions are high and relationships are complicated, we must come back to one simple truth:
The Bible is our guide for determining our response and our behavior.
We do not respond based on pressure. We do not respond based on fear. We do not respond based on guilt. We respond based on truth. You can walk in honor and walk in obedience to God at the same time—but when the two come into conflict, God’s Word is the final authority.
Honor your father. But obey God.
And sometimes, the most honoring thing you can do is stand in truth, speak in love, and refuse to participate in what you know is wrong—while still keeping your heart right and your words respectful.
That is what biblical honor looks like.