By Randy and Debbie Stroman
Every marriage carries two stories into the relationship: the story of the husband and the story of the wife. Those stories include childhood memories, past relationships, failures, regrets, and wounds that were never fully healed.
Many couples believe their problems began the day they started arguing with each other. But most marriage struggles began long before the wedding day.
Unforgiveness quietly anchors people to the pain of the past. When those anchors are not removed, they eventually surface in marriage through conflict, mistrust, emotional distance, or defensiveness.
Scripture teaches us that forgiveness is not optional for followers of Christ. It is the pathway to freedom.
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” — Ephesians 4:32
The Four People We Must Forgive
In life, there are four people every person must forgive if they want to experience emotional and spiritual freedom — and build a healthy marriage.
Forgive Your Parents
For many people, the deepest wounds in life come from childhood.
Maybe your parents were overly critical. Maybe they were absent. Maybe they spoke words that still echo in your mind decades later. Some parents simply did the best they could with the tools they had. Others made painful mistakes that left lasting scars. Forgiving your parents does not mean what they did was right. It means you are choosing not to remain chained to the pain they caused.
Unforgiveness keeps you emotionally tied to yesterday. Forgiveness releases you to live today. Many counselors and pastors have observed that a large percentage of adult struggles—anger, insecurity, fear of abandonment, control issues—can often be traced back to unresolved wounds from childhood.
When those wounds are not forgiven, they quietly follow us into marriage.
Your spouse cannot heal wounds they did not cause. But forgiveness can.
“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger… forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” — Ephesians 4:31-32
Letting go of bitterness toward your parents is one of the most powerful steps you can take toward building a healthy marriage.
Forgive Those Who Have Hurt You
Every person who lives long enough will eventually be hurt by someone.
A friend betrays you. A business partner cheats you. A relative says something that cuts deeply. Holding on to that pain feels justified. After all, you were wronged.
But Scripture teaches a surprising truth: forgiveness is not for the other person — it is for you. Forgiveness is actually perfectly selfish in a healthy way. When you forgive, you are releasing yourself from the emotional prison created by someone else’s actions.
Unforgiveness keeps the wound alive. Forgiveness allows healing to begin.
Jesus made forgiveness central to the Christian life.
“For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.” — Matthew 6:14
Couples who carry unresolved bitterness into marriage often find that old wounds spill into new conflicts. A spouse becomes the target of pain they never caused. But when forgiveness becomes a lifestyle, marriages gain something priceless: peace.
Forgive Yourself
This may be the hardest forgiveness of all.
Many people believe God forgives them, yet they secretly continue punishing themselves for past failures.
Past mistakes…
Past sins…
Past decisions you wish you could undo.
But if God has forgiven you, holding on to guilt is resisting His grace.
“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” — 1 John 1:9
The cross of Christ was not partial payment for sin—it was full payment.
When God forgives, He does not keep a record of wrongs.
“As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.” — Psalm 103:12
When we refuse to forgive ourselves, we often carry shame into marriage. Shame creates defensiveness. Shame makes people hide. Shame blocks emotional intimacy.
But when you accept God’s forgiveness and extend it to yourself, something powerful happens: You become emotionally available again. And emotional availability is essential for a thriving marriage.
Ask Forgiveness from Those You Have Hurt
There is one more person we must deal with in the forgiveness journey.
Sometimes we are the one who caused the pain. Perhaps you spoke words you regret.
Perhaps you made a selfish decision that hurt someone you love.
When this happens, pride often tempts us to remain silent. But silence allows the enemy to distort the situation. Over time, the mind can even begin blaming the person we hurt.
The Bible teaches the opposite response.
“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift… First go and be reconciled to them.” — Matthew 5:23-24
Three of the most powerful words in the human language are: “I am sorry.”
Followed by one of the most courageous questions a person can ask: “Will you please forgive me?”
This is not weakness. It is strength. Strong people take responsibility for their actions. Strong people pursue reconciliation.
And in marriage, those words can heal wounds faster than almost anything else.
What a Future of Forgiveness Looks Like
Imagine a marriage where:
- Past wounds no longer control present conversations
• Bitterness has been replaced with peace
• Shame has been replaced with grace
• Pride has been replaced with humility
Forgiveness does not erase the past. But it breaks the power the past has over the present.
Couples who practice forgiveness regularly discover something remarkable:
Their marriage becomes a place of safety.
A place where mistakes can be admitted.
A place where grace is stronger than failure.
A place where healing happens.
And that kind of marriage becomes a powerful testimony to children, family members, and friends of what God’s love looks like in everyday life.
A Next Step Toward Healing
If unforgiveness has been affecting your marriage, you do not have to navigate it alone. At Your Great Marriage, we help couples walk through conflict, deal with past wounds, and rebuild trust using biblical principles that restore peace and connection. We do not treat your past hurts, heartaches, or hangups. We teach to transform, helping you understand what God has already done to set you free from the prison of unforgiveness.
If you would like help taking the next step toward healing, we invite you to reach out.
📧 Email: info@yourgreatmarriage.help
🌐 Website: https://yourgreatmarriage.help
You can learn more about our marriage coaching, conflict resolution intensives, and restoration process at:
👉 https://yourgreatmarriage.help/marriage-help/
No matter how much pain is in the past, forgiveness opens the door to a different future.
And with God’s help, that future can begin today.