The Power That Changes Everything
By Randy and Debbie Stroman
One of the most powerful truths in all of Scripture is that real change begins when someone chooses to go first. The gospel itself is built on this principle.
In Romans 5:6–10, the Apostle Paul explains that humanity was not strong, righteous, or deserving when Christ intervened. We were weak. We were sinful. We were separated from God. And yet, Christ did not wait for us to change. He did not wait for us to clean up our behavior, speak kindly, act faithfully, or prove we were worthy. While we were still sinners—still resistant, still broken—Christ willingly gave His life for us. His sacrifice came first. Our opportunity to change came second.
This is grace in its purest form: being treated better than we deserve, before we’ve earned it, in order to invite transformation.
God’s decision to act first aligns perfectly with another foundational truth of Scripture: God gave humanity free will. He does not force change upon us; He invites it.
Scripture makes this clear:
- “I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Therefore, choose life…” (Deuteronomy 30:19)
- “Choose this day whom you will serve…” (Joshua 24:15)
God did not wait for us to choose Him before sending Jesus. He sent Jesus so that we could freely choose to respond. Grace creates the space for willing change.
I saw this principle in action firsthand when I had the opportunity to travel to Guatemala with my mentor, Dr. John C. Maxwell. John was invited by the president of that country to help instill a leadership culture rooted in values. Over the course of a week, we trained more than 20,000 top-level leaders in what we called Values-Based Leadership.
The core message was simple and unmistakable: if you want to change your country, you must first change yourself. We repeated one phrase over and over again:
“¡La transformación comienza en mí!” Which means: Transformation begins in me.
That truth applies just as powerfully to marriage.
Many couples find themselves locked in a dangerous stalemate. “I’ll start treating you right when you start doing what you’re supposed to do.” “I’ll change when I see you change.” “I’ll lower my walls when you open up first.”
What feels like self-protection is actually a stand-off—and stand-offs always lead to destruction. Someone must go first. Someone must act with grace. Someone must choose to treat their spouse better than they deserve to be treated, not because they earned it, but because that’s what love does.
We often convince ourselves that it’s safer and wiser to wait until our spouse shows they’re willing to change. But the truth is change only happens when someone does something different. Christ demonstrates that there is more power in going first. More hope in going first. More humility in going first. More victory in going first.
Here’s the hard reality every married couple eventually faces: you are powerless to change your spouse. Every one of us has tried—and every one of us has failed. Change only occurs when we decide to change, align ourselves with God’s Word, and do what Scripture calls us to do. When that happens, the change we create doesn’t manipulate our spouse—but it does apply the right kind of pressure. Not pressure of control or demand, but pressure of example. It is an opportunity and invitation for change.
Practical Ways a Spouse Can “Go First”
Going first can feel risky, especially when there has been hurt, disappointment, or broken trust. But going first does not mean ignoring wisdom or tolerating harm. It means choosing biblical obedience and grace as the starting point for change.
Here are some simple ways you can decide to Go First:
- Pursue a deeper relationship with God.
One of the most powerful ways to go first is to seek God more intentionally, regardless of what your spouse is doing. When we draw closer to Him, He lovingly reveals areas in us that need healing, growth, or repentance—often before addressing what we want Him to change in our spouse. As God works in us, our attitudes, responses, and priorities begin to change, and marriage transformation often follows naturally. - Choose a softer way to communicate.
Another meaningful place to go first is communication. Words spoken gently can lower defenses, while harsh words spoken in frustration or anger almost always invite the same response in return. Choosing a calm tone, thoughtful timing, and respectful language—even when emotions are high—creates space for understanding instead of escalation. There is real power in a soft delivery. - Lead with forgiveness instead of keeping score.
Many couples carry invisible scorecards, tracking offenses and failures. Going first means choosing forgiveness as a posture rather than a reward. Forgiveness does not deny pain or remove accountability, but it refuses to let bitterness lead. When one spouse releases resentment, it can interrupt cycles that have quietly damaged the relationship for years. - Serve without attaching immediate expectations.
Another way to go first is by serving your spouse with kindness, encouragement, and care—without conditions attached. When service is offered freely, not as leverage or manipulation, it reflects the heart of Christ. Over time, these acts of grace can soften hearts and rebuild trust in ways that demands never could.
Transformation begins in me. It always has. It always will.
An Invitation to Go First
If you find yourself stuck in a stand-off, exhausted from waiting for change, or unsure how to go first in a healthy, biblical way, you don’t have to walk that road alone. We regularly help couples navigate these moments with clarity, grace, and practical guidance rooted in God’s Word. You can reach us at help@yourgreatmarriage.help, or visit us online at https://yourgreatmarriage.help.
Sometimes the most powerful step toward healing is simply choosing to go first—and allowing God to do the rest.