“Oh, no! Not again.” That was the thought racing through my head as I sat in a restaurant with Debbie, the woman I recently started dating. My previous marriage of 28 years had ended in divorce. Unresolved conflict took a toll on that relationship. Because of that experience, I was determined to make the changes necessary to ensure success in a new relationship. Yet, here I was once again experiencing conflict. What I didn’t know at the time is conflict is not the problem. Conflict exists in every relationship. In fact, what I have since learned is conflict is a healthy part of a growing relationship.
IRON SHARPENS IRON
“Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.”
Proverbs 27:17 ESV
When I was in school, I worked in the kitchen of a large country club. The Head Chef taught me how to sharpen a kitchen knife using a honing steel. By sliding the knife blade against the harder metal of the honing steel, the friction between the blade and the honing steel removed small particles from the blade, narrowing the blade edge, making it sharper. The friction made the blade better and more effective.
When properly handled, conflict makes you better too. The friction between a husband and wife has the potential to smooth the rough edges from our beliefs, shaping our character. Healthy conflict, that ends in peaceful resolution, helps you become a better version of yourself. So, conflict is not the issue in marriage. It’s the inability to resolve conflict that brings destruction, which occurs when we allow our differences to rub us the wrong way.
CONFLICT IS LIKE A BEACH BALL
If you have not learned to embrace conflict as a useful tool in marriage, you will avoid it. However, avoiding conflict is a myth, because it eventually finds its way to the surface of the relationship. Avoiding conflict is like submerging a beach ball under water. If you hold the ball underwater it will stay there, out of sight to others, but you know it’s there. Then, as soon as you lose grip on the ball, it pops to the surface of the water.
The same thing happens when we try to avoid conflict. We conceal our differences, submerging them under the surface of our relationship, wrongly thinking we are doing a good thing. Then, something happens – our spouse says or does something that hurts or frustrates us – and suddenly, the submerged issue quickly rises to the surface, but at a time and place not of our choosing. Out of frustration, we say and do the wrong thing, and now the conflict we tried to avoid is even bigger.
To add to the challenge, we may have submerged multiple issues, some bigger than others. When that activating event comes along, the submerged issues surface all at once. Then the “thing” isn’t about the “thing.” The issue that started the conflict gets overshadowed by bigger or older submerged issues.
LEARNING TO EMBRACE CONFLICT
A beach ball usually has six different colored panels. If you look at one side of the beach ball, it will appear red, white, and blue. However, if you look at the beach ball from the other side, it appears green, orange, and yellow. It’s the same ball, but depending on your perspective, it will look completely different. Only when you tilt the ball to expose the top of the ball can you see the full picture of six different colored panels.
Just like our beach ball, conflict exists because of differing perspectives. What you see seems like absolute truth to you. However, your spouse sees something completely different. From your perspective, you are right. From their perspective, they are right. This is how the deadlock occurs. You are both looking at the same issue, but it looks completely different to you.
Just like our beach ball, we need to tilt the issue and look at it from a different perspective. We need to get God’s perspective. When we see the issue from God’s perspective, He will show you all sides of the issue. He will reveal the true colors. Resolution comes when we change our view and look at the issue from God’s perspective.
CONCLUSION
Learning to resolve conflict has transformed my married life. Debbie and I have been married over fourteen years and enjoy a great marriage. We have conflict, sometimes daily, but by tilting the issue and looking at it from God’s perspective, we have grown closer through conflict, instead of letting conflict take its toll on our marriage.
When conflict occurs in your relationship, don’t ignore it. Don’t stuff it. Take a step back from trying to resolve the issue and go to God. Gain His perspective. Allow God to reveal the truth from His perspective. Then, reconnect with your spouse and share what God shared with you. Instead of fact-fighting or withdrawing, which you already know doesn’t work, share the new perspective God revealed to you. Now, it doesn’t matter who is right or wrong because God is always right. Gaining His perspective allows you to use the conflict to sharpen your character, becoming a better version of yourself.
