By Randy and Debbie Stroman
How to clear the air in your marriage—even when you’re certain your spouse caused the problem
Have you ever stepped into an empty elevator and immediately realized that, although the previous passenger had departed, something about them had stayed behind?
Apparently, someone had enjoyed too many tacos for lunch. Or those last three spicy meatballs had launched a ministry of their own. Whatever happened, you have now entered the aftermath, and the doors are closing.
You press your floor, hold your breath, and briefly reconsider every decision that brought you to this moment.
Then something worse hits you.
What if someone gets on before I get off?
Now you’re praying with a level of urgency usually reserved for medical emergencies and missed flights. “Lord, please. No stops. Straight to the seventh floor. Traveling mercies.”
Because if those doors open, the next person will see only you. You’re standing at the scene of the crime, and the actual offender has escaped.
You could say, “It was like this when I got here!” But somehow that sounds exactly like something the guilty person would say. The more you explain, the more guilty you look.
What does this have to do with marriage?
Quite a bit, actually.
Most of us enter conflict convinced we know who left the stinker. Our spouse said something hurtful, forgot something important, made a decision without us, or brought a bad attitude home. Now the atmosphere is unpleasant, and we’re certain we’re the innocent person stuck breathing it.
So we begin explaining whose fault it is.
“You started this.”
“I was fine until you said that.”
“If you would just change, we wouldn’t have this problem.”
Before long, we’ve added sarcasm, accusations, and defensiveness to an atmosphere that was already difficult to breathe. And nobody is clearing the air.
Here is the universal truth we must understand. Being right doesn’t clear the air. Being right doesn’t solve the problem. Being right doesn’t make the stink go away.
Jesus said in John 8:32, “And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free” (KJV). Notice that He pointed us toward truth as the path to freedom. He did not promise that proving ourselves right would set us free.
That distinction matters in marriage. You can be 100 percent right and your spouse 100 percent wrong, and both of you will still suffer if you cannot resolve the conflict.
You might establish every fact, win every point, and get your spouse to admit you were right. But if you remain hurt, disconnected, and unable to move forward together, what have you actually won?
When it comes to resolving the conflict, knowing who is to blame does not change the task before you. The problem still needs a solution. Your connection still needs care. You still have to work together to move forward.
This does not make right and wrong meaningless. It means being right is insufficient to restore your marriage. God’s truth calls us beyond proving our case and into practicing the love, humility, forgiveness, and wisdom that make resolution possible.
In that elevator, you could establish beyond any reasonable doubt that you did not cause the smell—and still spend the entire ride suffering in it.
Marriage works much the same way. Regardless of who created the problem, you both live in the atmosphere it creates.
In our book God’s Promises for Marriage, we point couples toward finding God’s way forward together. We emphasize a truth that changes how we approach conflict: your spouse is not your enemy.
Ephesians 6:12 reminds us that our struggle is not against flesh and blood. When we turn our spouse into the enemy, we begin fighting against the very relationship we want God to restore.
So how do you clear the air—even when you’re convinced your spouse caused the stink?
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Pause before you add to the problem
Your first response can make the next conversation easier or harder.
Proverbs 15:1 says, “A soft answer turns away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger” (KJV). A raised voice, an eye roll, or a cutting remark adds something else that will eventually need to be repaired.
This is where our reaction needs to be practical. Another person’s wrong does not give us permission to respond wrongly. God calls us to exercise self-control even when we feel provoked (Galatians 5:22–23).
Before responding to the stink you think your spouse created, ask yourself, “Will what I’m about to say help us solve this?”
Try saying:
“I want us to work this out. Let me settle down so I can talk to you respectfully.”
If you need a break, agree on when you will return to the conversation. Take time to pray and settle your heart. Then come back as promised. Communication at this critical stage avoids isolation.
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Get on the same side
Before discussing the issue, agree on the goal.
If your goal is to prove that your spouse caused the problem, you may accomplish that and still go to bed miserable. Choose a goal that can actually help your marriage: understanding each other and finding a solution that honors God and serves you both.
Ephesians 4:3 calls us to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. That requires intentional effort, especially when our feelings are pulling us apart.
In marriage, we are one flesh. If one spouse is hurting, it is hurting both of you. We have a God-given mandate to help our spouse when they are struggling. When someone falls overboard, standing on the deck explaining why they fell in does little to help them reach safety. You reach for them.
Try saying:
“I love you. We’re both hurting, and I want us to find a solution together.”
You do not have to agree on every detail before agreeing to pursue resolution. You can begin by remembering that you belong on the same team.
Pray something simple: “Father, help us see this truthfully, speak lovingly, and follow Your wisdom.”
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Listen to understand
James 1:19 tells us to be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Notice the order. Most of us would prefer to speak quickly, become angry immediately, and listen sometime Thursday.
Slow down enough to discover what your spouse is experiencing.
“You’re always on your phone” may mean, “I miss feeling important to you.” So, say that, rather than the accusation.
“You didn’t tell me,” may mean, “I felt excluded from a decision that affects us both.” So, say that so they know you want to partner with them.
Those are possibilities to explore, not motives to assume. Proverbs 18:13 warns against answering before listening.
Take turns. Let one person explain from their perspective what happened, how it affected them, and what they need. Before answering, the listener summarizes what they heard.
Try saying:
“What hurt you most about this?”
Then ask:
“What I hear you saying is ____. Did I understand you correctly?”
Understanding your spouse does not require agreeing with every conclusion they reached. It helps you discover what needs to be addressed so you can move toward a solution together.
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Own what you can change
You cannot control your spouse’s choices, but you can bring your own heart, words, and actions into agreement with God’s truth.
Jesus tells us to examine the log in our own eye before addressing the speck in someone else’s (Matthew 7:3–5). That invites us to examine ourselves honestly.
Ask, “Is there anything in my attitude or response that is making resolution harder?”
Perhaps you interrupted, assumed motives, dismissed a concern, or cared more about getting an admission than finding an answer. If so, acknowledge it plainly.
Try saying:
“I was wrong to ____. Will you please forgive me? I want to handle this differently.”
Leave off the “but.” “I’m sorry, but you made me angry” places responsibility for your response back on your spouse. Ephesians 4:32 calls us to kindness, tenderheartedness, and forgiveness. Those qualities make room for repair.
You do not have to invent wrongdoing or accept blame for something you did not do. Even when you did nothing to cause the original problem, you can choose words and actions that help resolve it. Ask, “What can I contribute to the solution?”
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Agree on one solution—and practice it
A good conversation needs a practical next step.
James 1:22 calls us to be doers of the Word. Philippians 2:4 teaches us to consider the interests of others. Together, those principles move us toward a solution that takes both spouses seriously.
Ask:
“What can we do differently next time that would help both of us?”
Make the answer specific. “We’ll communicate better” is a hope. “We’ll talk before committing to plans that affect both of us” is an action.
“We’ll spend more time together” is an intention. “We’ll put our phones away during dinner” gives you something to practice tonight.
Keep working until you find a way forward you can both support. Choose one change, decide when to begin, and set a time to check your progress.
Close by praying together and thanking your spouse for something they did well during the conversation. Ephesians 4:29 reminds us to use words that build up and give grace.
The measure of success is whether you found a solution and strengthened your connection—not whether you finally proved your point.
You can help change the atmosphere. You cannot force your spouse to listen, participate, or change. Romans 12:18 acknowledges that limit: “If it be possible, as much as lies in you, live peaceably with all men” (KJV).
You can begin with your own response. Lasting resolution requires willing participation from both spouses, but you do not have to wait for your spouse to go first before choosing a godly next step.
Remember these five actions: Pause. Partner. Listen. Own. Act.
The next time conflict fills the room, remember that you can be completely right and still suffer in an unresolved problem. Knowing who left the stinker will not clear the air. Working together toward a solution can.
You share a life worth caring for, and God has given you truth that can change how you live it together.
How is it with you?
Do you find yourself standing in a stinky elevator, knowing that taking the stairs will not solve the problem?
If the same smelly arguments keep returning, or you struggle to find your way back to each other, Debbie and I would love to help. At Your Great Marriage, we help couples restore peace, rebuild trust, and put biblical principles into practice through marriage coaching and private marriage intensives.
Visit Your Great Marriage or email help@yourgreatmarriage.help to request a complimentary 10-Minute Connection Call. Tell us what is happening in your marriage, and let’s talk about your next step.
For practical exercises you can work through together, explore God’s Promises for Marriage.
You don’t have to figure this out alone. There’s still hope