The Greatest Gift You Can Give Your Children Is a Healed Marriage
By Randy and Debbie Stroman
“We believe the children will be better off if we separate. At least they will not have to listen to us fight anymore. Two peaceful homes have to be better than one unhappy one.”
We understand why hurting couples say these things. When conflict has become constant and hope is disappearing, divorce can appear to be the quickest way to stop the pain. In fact, a recent report shows that a majority of divorcing couples cited arguing too much, as their reason for divorce.
But divorce does not end the conflict. It just changes its location, expands its consequences, and transfers much of the pain to the children.
Divorce Is Not a Moment in Time
A divorce may be finalized in a matter of months, but children live with its consequences for the rest of their parents’ lives. They move between houses. They divide holidays. They wonder where they should spend birthdays. They navigate graduations, weddings, grandchildren, illnesses, and funerals while trying not to offend either parent. Even when children become adults, they are still coordinating two separate families that were once one.
Before I married, the pastor that did our pre-marriage counseling gave what I still believe is one of the most accurate assessments of marriage and divorce. He said, “Marriage is the process of taking two pieces of paper, glueing them together, and lining up the edges. Divorce is the process of ripping those pieces of paper apart. You never get a clean break. You always leave pieces of the one on pieces of the other.”
Divorce may legally end a marriage, but it does not end the connection. It simply forces everyone to live that connection separately.
More than half of American children will witness the ending of a parent’s marriage. Of those children, nearly half will also witness the breakup of a parent’s second marriage. That is not simply a difficult childhood experience. It can become a generational pattern.
Divorce does not stop with one generation. The risk of divorce is 50 percent higher when one spouse comes from a divorced home and 200 percent higher when both spouses do. Children of divorce are more likely to marry another child of divorce, and experience higher divorce rates in their own marriages.
The Financial Separation Is Only the Beginning
The emotional consequences are accompanied by very practical ones. Families with children who were not poor before divorce can experience income reductions of as much as 50 percent. It also states that nearly half of parents with children going through divorce move into poverty afterward.
Divorce is not an escape from difficulty. It is the multiplication of future trouble. There are now two homes to support, two schedules to manage, two sets of expectations, and countless opportunities for misunderstanding. The marriage may be legally over, but communication about children, finances, medical decisions, education, discipline, and holidays continue for decades.
People think the work of healing a marriage is hard. But divorce is harder—and divorce makes the children carry part of the weight.
The Enemy’s Strategy Has Not Changed
The devil’s tactics have not changed since the Garden of Eden.
In Genesis 3, the serpent first separated Adam and Eve from their trust in God. Then shame entered. Hiding began. Blame replaced responsibility. Adam pointed toward Eve, Eve pointed toward the serpent, and the unity God created was fractured.
The enemy still works through deception, accusation, blame, isolation, and division.
Jesus warned:
“The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy.”
—John 10:10
The enemy wants to steal your peace, kill your hope, destroy your covenant, and separate the people God joined together.
Jesus said:
“Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”
—Mark 10:9
When a husband and wife begin seeing each other as enemies, they can unknowingly cooperate with the real enemy’s plan. Scripture reminds us that “we do not wrestle against flesh and blood” (Ephesians 6:12). Your spouse is not the enemy. The enemy is the devil.
That is why Paul warned married believers not to allow unresolved anger to create an opening:
“Do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil.”
—Ephesians 4:26–27
Every unresolved offense, secret resentment, hardened heart, and repeated accusation can become territory the enemy uses to divide a family.
God Is All About Family
Marriage was not invented by society, government, or culture. It was created by God.
From the beginning, God declared:
“A man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
—Genesis 2:24
God did not create marriage as a temporary arrangement based on convenience. He established it as a sacred covenant in which two lives become one.
Malachi 2:15 reveals that God’s desire for marriage includes “godly offspring.” God is not only working in your marriage for your happiness today. He is working through your covenant to shape generations tomorrow.
Our culture says, “Replace what is hurting.” God says, “Let Me heal what is broken.”
The world says, “Protect yourself at all costs.” Scripture says, “Bear with one another, and forgive one another” (Colossians 3:13).
The world says, “Follow your feelings.” Scripture says, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind” (Romans 12:2).
The world treats marriage as disposable. God calls it covenant.
Do the Work for the Kids
Staying committed to your marriage and working to bring healing does not mean pretending everything is fine. It does not mean ignoring serious problems, accepting destructive behavior, or maintaining a cold and hostile household. It means you use your commitment to the future of your children to break the generational curse the devil is trying to push on you. It means doing the courageous work necessary to create something better. It means learning to listen before responding and replacing accusation with responsibility. Staying committed means telling the truth with love and forgiving as Christ forgave you. It also means refusing to allow pride, resentment, fear, or hopelessness to make permanent decisions during a painful season.
Scripture gives us the way forward:
“Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.”
—James 1:19
“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.”
—Ephesians 4:32
“Above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection.”
—Colossians 3:14
Your children do not merely need parents who stop fighting. They need parents who learn how to resolve conflict, practice forgiveness, rebuild trust, and remain faithful when life becomes difficult.
Imagine the inheritance you could give them. Instead of teaching them that marriage is disposable, you can show them that broken things can be restored. Instead of passing down the pattern of divorce, you can demonstrate the power of covenant. Instead of raising children who expect relationships to end, you can raise children who know that—with God, humility, accountability, and the right help—marriages can heal.
You may still have years of great marriage ahead of you. Do not make a permanent decision because of a painful season. Do not surrender your family without first fighting for healing. Do not allow the enemy to convince you there is no hope when Jesus is still in the business of restoration.
If your marriage is struggling, there is still hope. Contact Your Great Marriage at help@yourgreatmarriage.help or visit Your Great Marriage to learn more about receiving help.
Fight for your marriage. Fight for your family. Do it for the kids.
This call to restoration should never be used to keep someone in immediate physical danger. Abuse requires safety, accountability, qualified intervention, and appropriate legal protection. If safety is in question, take immediate action.
Data note: The statistics cited above come from a law-firm compilation of more than 115 divorce studies, facts, and rates rather than from one single national study.