Three Biblical Steps Toward Positive, Sustainable Change
By Randy and Debbie Stroman
Every couple who comes to us for marriage help wants transformation.
They may describe it differently. One spouse wants the fighting to stop. The other wants to feel loved again. One wants greater communication, while the other longs for trust, affection, unity, or peace. But beneath all those desires is the same desperate hope:
“We need something to change.”
We understand that desire. But we often encourage couples to be more specific about the kind of change they are asking for, because not every change is healthy, and not every improvement lasts.
Technically, if someone walked into the room and slapped you across the face, something would immediately change. Your thoughts, emotions, physical condition, and probably the atmosphere in the room would all be transformed—but certainly not for the better.
That is why we define transformation as:
Positive, sustainable change.
It is not merely an emotional moment, a temporary ceasefire, an inspiring conversation, or a promise made after a painful argument. It is positive change that becomes deeply rooted enough to remain when emotions rise, pressure returns, and old patterns attempt to reappear.
This addresses one of the most common fears we hear from struggling couples:
“We have tried everything. Things may improve for a little while, but it never lasts. Before long, we are right back where we started—or worse.”
Our hearts go out to couples who have experienced momentary improvement without lasting transformation. They apologized, promised, attended counseling, read books, listened to messages, and made sincere attempts to behave differently. Yet after a few days or weeks, the same wounds, reactions, and arguments return. Then they wrongly assume their relationship will never change.
The problem is not a lack of desire. Couples in this destructive cycle desperately want to change. The problem is that they are trying to produce lasting change through human effort alone.
How can a couple experience positive, sustainable change?
One of God’s clearest answers is found in Proverbs 3:5–8:
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.
Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD, and turn away from evil.
It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.”
This passage reveals three essential steps that position our hearts for transformation that end with a promise of lasting change. This is God’s not-so-secret recipe for transformation.
STEP ONE: TRUST – Trust in the Lord with All Your Heart
Most believers respond enthusiastically to the instruction to trust God with all your heart.
“Yes!”
“Amen!”
“I trust the Lord!”
Trusting God sounds wonderfully spiritual and creates hope, until trusting Him requires us to release control, surrender an outcome, obey something uncomfortable, or stop trying to force another person to change. But this is the first and most critical step to achieving lasting sustainable change.
The Hebrew word translated trust in Proverbs 3:5 is batach—pronounced baw-TAKH. It carries the idea of placing confidence in someone, relying upon that person for security, and resting in the assurance that the one being trusted is dependable.
Biblical trust is more than believing that God exists. It means placing the full weight of your life upon His character. The verse says to trust Him with all your heart. The Hebrew concept of the heart, lev, includes much more than emotion. It speaks of the inner person—our thoughts, will, desires, decisions, understanding, and moral direction. Biblically, the heart is who you are at your very core.
Trusting God with all your heart therefore means giving Him access to every part of you, including your fears, expectations, and disappointments. Trusting God means you surrender to Him your anger, future plans, and memories, especially the painful ones. Trusting God means you share your desires for your marriage and your beliefs about what must happen before you can be happy.
Trust says, “God, I do not understand everything that is happening, but I trust who You are. I trust Your Word. I trust Your character. I trust that Your way is better than the way my fear, pain, or frustration is telling me to respond.”
Your trust must become practical. It means when you are hurt, you trust God enough to respond with self-control rather than retaliation? When you feel ignored, you trust Him enough to communicate honestly instead of punishing your spouse with silence? Trusting God fully means you will continue to look to Him when your marriage is not changing as quickly as you hoped. It also means you will trust Him enough to remain obedient rather than manipulating the outcome when things do not go your way? Trusting God means you will allow the Word of God to challenge your behavior, even when your spouse has not yet changed.
Psalm 37:5 tells us to commit our way to the Lord and trust Him. Jesus described this dependence by saying that He is the vine and we are the branches. Fruitfulness comes from remaining connected to Him because apart from Him, we can do nothing of eternal value (John 15:5).
Trust is not passive. It is active dependence expressed through obedience.
STEP TWO: WISDOM – Lean Not on Your Own Understanding
The first part of Proverbs 3:5 may produce an enthusiastic “Amen,” but the next phrase takes a dramatic turn:
“Do not lean on your own understanding.”
That is where trust becomes reality.
Most of us have a natural desire to figure things out. We analyze the situation, review what happened, assign motives, predict what will happen next, and develop a plan to protect ourselves. This ability to reason is a gift from God. Scripture does not tell us to stop thinking. It tells us not to make our own understanding the final authority.
The Hebrew word translated lean is sha’an. It means to support yourself with something or to rest your weight upon it. The picture is of someone leaning against an object because they expect it to hold them up.
God is warning us not to place the entire weight of our decisions upon our own limited interpretation of the situation. Our understanding is incomplete. We do not always know our spouse’s heart. We may not recognize how childhood experiences, past wounds, family patterns, cultural messages, pride, fear, or insecurity have distorted our thinking.
Pain convinces us that retaliation is strength. Fear deceives us into thinking control is protection. Pride creates a damaging belief that admitting fault is weakness. Culture tries to convince us that personal happiness matters more than covenant faithfulness and that you have to choose between happiness and faithfulness to God. Our own understanding will feel logical while leading us farther away from God’s design.
This is especially important in marriage. When couples are hurting, each spouse usually develops an explanation for the conflict. Each person becomes convinced that his or her interpretation is accurate. Then both spouses begin responding, not merely to what happened, but to the motives they have assigned to each other.
“She did that because she does not respect me.”
“He said that because he does not care.”
“She is only being kind because she wants something.”
“He will never change.”
Once we become convinced that our interpretation is unquestionably correct, we stop asking questions. We stop listening. We stop seeking God’s wisdom. We become, as verse 7 warns, “wise in our own eyes.”
Here is a difficult but necessary truth:
If your understanding alone could have solved the problems in your relationship, you would have solved them already. Continuing to rely exclusively on the same thinking will often produce the same behavior and the same painful results.
God invites us to receive wisdom beyond our own.
“If any of you lacks wisdom,” James 1:5 says, we should ask God, who gives generously and without reproach.
Romans 12:2 teaches that transformation occurs through the renewal of our minds. God does not merely want to help us manage unhealthy reactions. He wants to change the beliefs and thinking that produce those reactions. While culture tries to influence us from the outside, God works the opposite. He creates change from the inside out. And that is why the change God produces is sustainable and lasting.
Instead of asking only, “How can I get my spouse to change?” God’s wisdom may lead you to ask:
“What needs to change in me?”
“What does Your Word say about how I should respond?”
“What wrong belief is driving my behavior?”
“Am I pursuing peace, or am I trying to win?”
“Am I speaking the truth in love, or using the truth as a weapon?”
“What would obedience look like in this moment?”
Leaning on God’s understanding means consulting His Word before following your emotions. It means asking for His wisdom before making major decisions. It means receiving godly counsel instead of surrounding yourself with people who confirm your perspective.
Without God’s wisdom, we are flying blind and swinging at the wind. We may be working hard, but we do not know whether we are moving in the right direction.
With God’s wisdom, we are no longer limited to what we can see because God sees everything.
STEP THREE: SUBMISSION – Acknowledge Him in All Your Ways
Proverbs continues:
“In all your ways acknowledge him.”
The Hebrew word translated acknowledge is yada—pronounced yaw-DAH. It means to know, recognize, perceive, and respond appropriately to what is known. It describes more than giving God an occasional mention or thanking Him after something goes well. It means living with a continual awareness of His presence, authority, character, and direction. That is why many Bible translations list acknowledge as submission. This verse is saying that we are to submit to God in all our ways by acknowledging that we need His help to get things right.
To acknowledge God is to invite Him into every part of your life—not merely the areas where you feel helpless. We acknowledge Him in the way we speak, handle money, or parent the children. We acknowledge God in how we pursue physical intimacy in our relationship. We acknowledge God in the way we resolve conflict or interpret our spouse’s weaknesses. We submit our private thoughts to God, not just our public behavior.
Before responding in anger, acknowledging God asks, “Lord, what response would honor You?” Before making an accusation, it asks, “Lord, do I know this to be true, or have I made an assumption?” Before withdrawing, it asks, “Lord, am I taking a healthy pause, or am I using silence to punish my spouse?” Before demanding change, acknowledging God asks, “Lord, have I submitted my own heart to You?”
Acknowledging God also means giving Him the credit for what He produces in our lives. When healing occurs, we do not simply congratulate ourselves for finally figuring everything out. We recognize that God supplied the wisdom, conviction, strength, grace, and opportunity that made restoration possible.
This does not mean God is insecure or needs constant praise to feel important. God does not need humility—we do. When we take all the credit, pride begins to grow. Pride makes us difficult to correct, slow to apologize, unwilling to listen, and determined to protect our image. Proverbs 16:18 warns that pride goes before destruction, and James 4:6 reminds us that God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.
Pride can damage a relationship in the blink of an eye. Humility keeps our hearts open to transformation. Acknowledging God says, “Lord, this marriage belongs to You. My heart belongs to You. My abilities came from You. Any wisdom I possess came from You. Any progress we experience will be accomplished through Your grace.”
THE PROMISE: TRANSFORMATION – and he will make straight your paths
After these three instructions comes the promise:
“And He will make straight your paths.”
The Hebrew word translated make straight is yashar. It carries the idea of making something straight, right, level, or properly directed. This does not mean that God promises a marriage without difficulty if you follow these three steps. It does not mean your spouse will instantly agree with you, every consequence will disappear, or the path will always be comfortable.
It means that when we TRUST God, surrender our limited understanding for His WISDOM, and SUBMIT our ways to Him, He directs us away from crooked, destructive patterns and onto a path aligned with His wisdom.
Notice who is responsible for straightening the path.
He is.
We participate through trust, surrender, obedience, repentance, and humility. But God performs the deeper work of transforming the heart.
This is where many people become exhausted. They are striving to change, laboring to improve, and becoming consumed with fixing everything that is causing pain in their relationship.
They attempt to control every word. Suppress every emotion. Predict every reaction. They try to manage their spouse’s behavior and hold the marriage together through sheer determination. Effort has a place. Scripture repeatedly calls us to obedience, discipline, perseverance, and intentional action. But human effort cannot replace the transforming power of God.
Lasting change does not begin with forcing yourself to act differently. It begins with allowing God to reveal and change the beliefs, fears, wounds, and desires beneath your behavior.
Jesus said that a healthy tree produces healthy fruit. If we only keep replacing the fruit without addressing the root, unhealthy behavior will continue to return. This is why you keep producing the same behavior because you have not allowed God to replace your unhealthy fruit with the fruit He produces.
God wants to work deeper. He does not merely want to stop an argument. He wants to remove the pride that keeps producing arguments. He does not merely want to silence harsh words. He wants to heal the fear and anger from which those words are flowing. He does not merely want spouses to remain in the same house. He wants to restore unity, safety, affection, truth, and covenant partnership.
That is transformation.
Healing and Refreshment
Proverbs 3 does not end with a straight path. Verses 7 and 8 continue:
“Fear the LORD and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.”
To fear the Lord does not mean to be afraid of God, or that He is just waiting to punish you if you get out of line. The Hebrew word yare in this context communicates reverence, awe, and a sober recognition of God’s authority. That reverence produces action: we turn away from evil. Jesus said, “If you love me, you will keep my commandments.” When we reverence God, it produces a heart that automatically turns toward good and away from evil.
Through a healthy fear of the Lord, we do not merely agree that God is right. We change direction. We turn away from deception. We turn away from manipulation. We resist contempt, revenge, and pride. We turn away from any behavior that opposes God’s design for love.
Then the passage describes healing and refreshment reaching deeply into the person. The picture is not merely surviving. It is renewed strength, health, and vitality.
Many marriages are exhausted because the couple has been fighting the same battle with the same human weapons. God offers another way.
Trust Him completely. Stop placing the full weight of your marriage upon your own understanding. Know, acknowledge, and submit to Him in every area. Then follow Him as He makes the path straight.
Begin With Your Own Heart
Do not read these three steps primarily as instructions for your spouse. Transformation begins when you allow God to address you. You cannot force your spouse to trust God. You cannot renew another person’s mind. You cannot humble someone else’s heart.
But you can pray:
“Lord, I trust You with my marriage and with the outcome I cannot control. Show me where I have been leaning on my own understanding. Reveal the beliefs beneath my reactions. Teach me to acknowledge You in every conversation, decision, and response. Straighten what has become crooked in me.”
That is a prayer God can use.
When both spouses begin taking these steps, the marriage no longer depends upon two imperfect people trying harder. It becomes a relationship in which two humble hearts are being continually shaped by God. That is how temporary improvement becomes positive, sustainable change. That is how behavior begins to change from the inside out. That is how God transforms a marriage.
Your Marriage Can Change
Your marriage does not have to remain trapped in the same painful patterns. A better path is possible, but lasting transformation rarely comes from trying harder with the same understanding that has kept you stuck.
Trust God. Receive His wisdom. Submit every part of your life and marriage to Him.
Then allow Him to begin the heart work that only He can accomplish.
You do not have to walk through this process alone. If repetitive conflict, broken trust, emotional distance, or unresolved pain is keeping your marriage stuck, our ministry exists to help you identify what is happening beneath the surface and discover a biblical path toward restoration.
Take the next step by visiting our Marriage Help page or email us at help@yourgreatmarriage.help.
To learn more about Your Great Marriage, our resources, and our marriage restoration services, visit YourGreatMarriage.help.
There is still hope. Positive, sustainable change is possible—and God knows how to make the path straight.